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On Basic Sentence Structure for Fiction
(Grammar Nazis BEWARE!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everything I ever learned about writing Fiction DIDN'T come from school; not even college. In fact, the way one writes fiction is almost the complete opposite of everything I learned in school about writing.

In order to make my stories crystal clear in my readers' imaginations, I write in precise Chronological Order, in the order events actually happen, PLUS in the order that the eye sees it.

Case in point, when describing a character, I describe them from top to bottom, in the order that the eye notices them. Face, hair, upper body, arms, hands, then lower body, legs, feet, then over all impression. <-- In that order, UNLESS a body part is doing an action, such as a hand (grasping, slapping, twiddling a pencil, etc…) or the feet, (walking, jumping, kicking, running, etc…) When someone is doing an action, that action ALWAYS comes first.

Try it yourself. Go to the mall, or any other place where people gather, and LOOK at the people around you. Pay close attention to what you notice first then next. Next, watch a movie and look at how the camera pans across someone.

-- Top to bottom = friendly
-- Bottom to top = sexual
-- Hands (weapons) to top to bottom = fearful/threatened

THAT'S how it should appear on the page because THAT'S how it will appear in your readers' imaginations.  

-- Example:
He flipped up his middle finger, narrowed his green eyes, and tightened his full mouth. His red hair spilled in messy finger-combed spikes across his brow and down his back. His shoulders were stiff with tension under his dirty white t-shirt. He stood with his booted feet apart and his jean-clan knees slightly bent as though braced for a punch.

And yet…
-- Writing in chronological order means that your sentence structure can't always conform to the 'proper grammar' rules. This is because the basic composition of an Essay <-- what they teach you to write in class, isn't anything like the composition of a Story.

Essay composition:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Tell them what you're going to tell them.
2. Tell them in detail.
3. Tell them why you told them.

Story composition:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. What happened first.
2. What happened next.
3. What happened after.

Essays are NOT written in Chronological order, they're written in order of Impact.

Essay:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. This is Important!
2. These are all the reasons why it's important.
3. This is why it's important to You.

See the difference?

One of the greatest enemies of fiction that one is actually taught in school is the use of the word: "as."

The Evil "As."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In school, they teach you that "as" is a word used to connect fragments of sentences together, rather in the same way as you would use "and." Unfortunately, "as" doesn't quite work the same way as an "and" in fiction.

-- "As" means, "things that happened simultaneously."
-- "And" means, "this happened next."

In Fiction NOTHING is truly simultaneous because the eye READS only one thing at a time. The only things that can actually be counted as simultaneous in written fiction are groups of things.

-- Example:
All the soldiers marched.
(And I didn't even need an "as.")

Edit: I'm not saying that simultaneous events CAN'T be written, it's that using "as" is not the way to do it. Any group of events listed in one sentence are generally perceived as happening all at the same time -- until you get to the "and". However, they should still be listed in the order in which they happened so as to make the reader's VISION of the whole event crystal clear.

As far as I'm concerned, the only place an "as" belongs is at the BEGINNING of a sentence.

-- Example:
As all the soldiers marched, the drums and fifes played.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See?

Where "As" goes WRONG…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I consider "as" a red flag word. A word that marks that something has gone terribly wrong in my sentence structure.

What went wrong?
-- In fiction, the word "as" usually marks where a sentence has gone Out of Chronological Order.

-- Example:
The vampire scratched his head thoughtfully as he crouched over his victim.

Think: Which actions actually happened first?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The vampire crouched over his victim.
2. He scratched his head thoughtfully.

The chronological way to write this would be:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The vampire crouched over his victim AND scratched his head thoughtfully.


Why does this matter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-- A sentence Out of Chronological Order means that the reader has to Stop Reading to reset their mental movie of your story. Every time this happens, the reader has to stop, reread, then reset their imagination. In short, it makes your story more Work than Fun to read. That's bad, very, very, BAD. Do this enough times and your reader will stop reading your story to go find something easier to imagine. In fact, some readers will not only drop your story, never to read it again, they'll avoid anything else you write.

How to Grammar Check for "as":
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do a Search/Replace substituting "as" for "and," then go back and read through your entire work.

If "and" doesn't read right in your sentence, then the sentence is most likely Out of Chronological Order.

-- Example:
The werewolf flattened his ears angrily as he faced the hunter.
~~~~~~~~~~~

-- Search/Replace:
The werewolf flattened his ears angrily and he faced the hunter.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"And" doesn't quite work there, does it?

What's wrong?
-- As written, that sentence implies that the werewolf flattened his ears THEN faced the hunter -- which is Not what happened.

Which actions actually happened first?
~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The werewolf faced the hunter.
2. He was angry.
2. He flattened his ears.

-- Adjusted:
The werewolf faced the hunter and he angrily flattened his ears.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Now the "he" doesn't fit, so let's chop that out.

-- One more time:
The werewolf faced the hunter and angrily flattened his ears.
~~~~~~~~~~~
See what I mean?


Rule of Thumb on the use of "AND":
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One "and" per sentence. If you need a second "and," pull out the first one and use a comma, or use "then."

-- Example with comma:
The werewolf faced the hunter, angrily flattened his ears, and growled.
~~~~~~~~~~~

-- Example with "then":
The werewolf faced the hunter, angrily flattened his ears, then growled.
~~~~~~~~~~~

If you need three "ands," replace all but the last with commas.

-- Example:
The werewolf faced the hunter, angrily flattened his ears, growled, and lunged.
~~~~~~~~~~~

If you need more than three "ands," then it's time to cut it into two separate sentences.

-- Example:
The werewolf faced the hunter, angrily flattened his ears, and growled. He lunged and snapped.
~~~~~~~~~~~

In Conclusion…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-- Fiction should ALWAYS be written in Chronological Order, even when the grammar rules say that you don't have to for your readers' Visual CLARITY. Believe me, they'll appreciate it!


Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: As with all advice, take what you can use and throw out the rest. As a multi-published author, I have been taught some fairly rigid rules on what is publishable and what is not. If my rather straight-laced (and occasionally snotty,) advice does not suit your creative style, by all means, IGNORE IT.

Ookami Kasumi
[link]
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:iconsparkythewingedcat:
SparkytheWingedCat Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Aaahh these tutorials are so awesome! I usually found sentence structure to be particularly tricky, and I wasn't sure how to make it better. I've used "as" before, but I'm probably going to avoid it now. Thank you for this!
Reply
:iconhaikubaikuu:
HaikuBaikuu Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you so much. I've been trying for a long time to work out what has been making my sentence structure and grammar so awful, and it is precisely this. My writing is far more fluid now.
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:iconimiss2010:
Imiss2010 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
How is this? I'm not sure what to think. 

She had a cute round face and big blue eyes and wavy brown hair that went a little past her shoulders onto the white button down blouse she was wearing. She carried a small brown purse next to her slim arms and gripped the strap with her small hands showing her white nail polished tips. The short denim shorts she wore looked good on her slim shapely legs.

was I descriptive enough? I did the best I could. This story is mostly for guys.
Reply
:iconthehomicidalteenager:
TheHomicidalTeenager Featured By Owner Edited Aug 23, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
It should be more along the lines of: She had a cute round face, big blue eyes and wavy brown hair that went past her shoulders and onto the white button down blouse she was wearing. She carried a small brown purse next to her slim arms and she gripped the strap with her small hands, showing her white nail polished tips. (Insert persons name), thought the denim shorts she wore looked good on her slim shapely legs. 

This is pretty nice description if it has to do with a guy checking a girl out. Though I would try to spread it out in a scene rather tan clump so much information. No guy I know, including myself, would notice a girls nails unless they were dragon claws or something unusual. You should focus on breast, waist, hips, butt and legs for the most part, face would usually be last unless she was outstanding in that department. If the girl's body is hot, despite how shallow this sounds, I'm not focused on how round her face is. And unless the guy has a hair fetish or is in love with her, the hair should not really be mentioned unless its accentuating either her neck or breasts. I'm assuming you're a guy so you should think about what happens when you check out someone you find attractive. We usually only notice the parts we find like most, so unless your protagonist is into round faces, long brown hair, and white tipped nail polish, it shouldn't really be in there.
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:iconimiss2010:
Imiss2010 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
I thought you said when describing people you only get three sentences. But in the example you use 4 sentences
Reply
:icondaintykitty:
DaintyKitty Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I want to clarify something as I am uncertain about it.

You said here that the only time that 'as' should be used is in the beginning, no where else. If that's the case, why is the word 'as' made then?

Also, what word would you use if you are to have 2 actions happening at the same time? Like not one after the other, but at the same time.
Like, say, for example, the crowd cheered loudly at the same time when the runners pushed off. What do you do about that?

Just something I wanted clear up thank you :)
Reply
:icondreamseeker13:
DreamSeeker13 Featured By Owner Edited Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Clearly I'm not the author of this tutorial. If you don't mind, I'd like to take a shot at explaining. And if I'm wrong I'm sure someone, or the author herself, will correct me.

"As" is a conjunction to indicate something happening during the same time when something else is taking place. The example the dictionary on my laptop gives me is this: "Frank watched him as he ambled through the crowd." If it's in a dictionary it must be right! Right? Not really.

First something needs to happen. The good 'ol cause and effect. Either Frank was looking at the crowd then noticed the man. Or he noticed the man and watched him move through the crowd.

Another one: As she grew older, she grew wiser about men. 

"As" is also used to indicate by comparison the way that something happens or is done: "Dress as if you had some pride in yourself." Also "as" is used to interject a comment relating to a statement: My plan didn't work out as I thought it would.

Can fill-in for "because" and "since:" As it is your bedtime, you have to put your toys away.

Can fill-in for "even though:" Try as he might, he couldn't stop sleeping with women.

A preposition to refer to a function or a character that something or someone has: The comic's death came as a shock to the world.

During the time of being: Max loved dogs growing up, as an adult he owned three Huskies.

And the list goes on! 

So from how I understand it, the example you give "the crowd cheered loudly at the same time when the runners pushed off" could be written one of two ways. 

That the crowd was already cheering before the runners pushed off and continued to cheer afterward. Or that the runners pushed off and the crowd cheered.

It's all about cause and effect. Something happens, now what was the effect? 

Like this. A man has a gun to a girl's head. Most people would write that as: She squeezed her eyes shut as he placed the gun to her head.

To me that's lacking. I'm a person who loves detail. 

He pressed the gun to her temple.

This was it. After everything she tried ... it was over. She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the end.

That seems better to me. As it was a rough example, it's not something I'd be 100% happy with.

Now it might only me, I don't know. Taking out "as" opens up room for description. Makes you think. Makes you put more effort into crafting a visual image for your readers about the world the characters are in, and the characters themselves. It adds a little extra something that I love about reading and writing. 
Reply
:icondaintykitty:
DaintyKitty Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Aaaaaah, I understand now :) So everything is a cause and effect yes? :D

Thank you for putting your time into answering my questions ^^ I'm sorry if it's a bother though ;o;

I really love reading and writing and wanted to see what tips I can use to make my writing better ;u; The 'as' tip though puzzled me ^^; But I hope to be an author someday ;u;

Again, thank you very much, even if you're not the original author of the tutorial :aww:
Reply
:icondreamseeker13:
DreamSeeker13 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
From the way I understand it, yes. 

It was no trouble at all, dear! I try to help out when I can. I wish someone had done the same for me when I first started writing, not criticizing my mistakes.

That's about all you can do. Want improvement? Then set out and seek the info, ingest, allow it to mix with what works for you, and see what happens.

Again. No worries. You're most welcome, dear.
Reply
:icondaintykitty:
DaintyKitty Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I see ^^ However, when the author said that the reader might get confused when they come across a sentence that has 2 actions and an 'as'. For me, it doesn't really effect my thinking, nor it confuse me. Then again, it's not the same for all readers, isn't it?

Aaaah, I see. Must be tough huh?

Okay, I will ^^ I'll just keep on experimenting.
Reply
:iconimiss2010:
Imiss2010 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014
What do you mean by , "all over impression?"
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2014  Professional Writer
It means, "Once it's all over and ended, this was the impression I was left with."
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:iconimiss2010:
Imiss2010 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2014
How exactly would you describe a face?
Reply
:icon1st-hashirama-senju:
1st-Hashirama-Senju Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2013

This was very helpful.

 

I have used “as” a lot, now I will not. I am sure my stories will improve more.

 

And writing in chronological order makes a lot of sense since it flows so much more smoothly.

Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm glad you liked my essay!
 -- You'll find that it's Much easier to write this way, and faster too.
Reply
:iconlittleauthor12:
littleauthor12 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
what about as if
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013  Professional Writer
"What about 'as if'?"

It depends on Where you put it, and what you're using it for.
Reply
:iconpizzapotatonbacon:
PizzaPotatoNBacon Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2013  Student General Artist
Extremely helpful, and it all makes sense. :giggle: I love how you give a great solution to everything, and I really like how comprehensive this tutorial is! I can't wait to read the rest of your tutorials. :la:

"Bottom to top = Sexual" :iconteheplz: Ohoho.
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm thrilled you like my tutorial.
 -- I hate tutorials that don't actually explain how to Do something, or leave chunks out that Would have made what they were saying clear. Even worse are those where you have to plow through a mountain of author ego crap only to gain just a teaspoon's worth of useful information.

After encountering stacks of those sorts of tutorials, I vowed I would Never write mine that way.
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:iconmoonbladethebook:
moonbladethebook Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Student General Artist
I am so glad I found you, I'm going to read all your tutorials! (I'm an aspiring writer)
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Professional Writer
LOL!
 -- Thank you. (I get that a lot.)

If you haven't read my tutorials before, may I suggest reading The Secret to Proper Paragraphing first? It will actually make the Sentence Structure essay easier to use.
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:iconrysathe3rd:
RysaThe3rd Featured By Owner May 11, 2013
This is very helpful! Thank you!
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm glad you liked it.
Reply
:iconimiss2010:
Imiss2010 Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013
Could you tell me more about describing faces?
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Professional Writer
You just have to go out and LOOK at them yourself, because they way I observe things and the way 'you' observe things won't be the same.
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:iconimiss2010:
Imiss2010 Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
How do you observe things? Tell me how you do it.
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Professional Writer
If you're interested in describing people's Expressions, I have a whole essay posted, The Non-Verbal Thesaurus: [link]

As for describing things in writing, I have another tutorial on exactly how I do it: [link]
Reply
:iconloveslostwords:
LovesLostWords Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
These are incredibly helpful! I always felt strange about using as and over using and, I just never knew what to do about it.
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Professional Writer
That was your instincts telling you something wasn't right. Now you know what it was.
Reply
:iconcommandereve:
CommanderEVE Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student General Artist
This has helped be quite a bit as I tend to use the word ‘as’ a lot in my fan fiction writing. But I have some questions to ask, I want to see your response to them as I am unsure myself. Do these golden rules still apply to fan fictions where the characters are owls? Because most of my fan fictions are based off a book series called Guardians of Ga’Hoole. Two, if someone has a mental illness and sees the world differently do these rules still apply?
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Professional Writer
Grammar is grammar no matter what the characters are, however...!

Dialogue follows No Rules because people just don't talk with perfect grammar -- unless they're teachers. This includes internal dialogue.
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:iconcommandereve:
CommanderEVE Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student General Artist
I see, thank you.
Reply
:iconlovelynice:
Lovelynice Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012
That whole argument based on "implies this" or "implies that" about AS seems to be more cultural, not strictly logical to me. When I read 'as', it's strictly the same moment being referred to - not two seperate moments because I read the whole sentence, and understand the whole sentence as a whole chunk which THEN gets sorted out for what the chronological order is. This reminds me of the people who hate 'AND', or decide that its or it's is right.
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012  Professional Writer
Here is the key phrase:
...because I read the whole sentence, and understand the whole sentence as a whole chunk which THEN gets sorted out for what the chronological order is.

My point is: if you skip the 'as' you don't need to STOP and sort the sentence for chronological order because it's already IN chronological order.
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:iconlovelynice:
Lovelynice Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2012
That fails to appreciate when what's being described is occurring simultaneously, not in "order" but at the same time.

Who says I'm stopping to sort out the order anyway? My organic brain isn't a linear processor, it's massively parallel.
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Professional Writer
What you seem to be missing is basic biology. No matter how massively parallel your mind is, the Eye reads only One Word at a time, which means that the mind can only process One Word at a time. Once the entire sentence has been read then the mind juggles the collected information and sorts it into an understandable order.

What I suggest, skips the momentary STOP for the juggling phase. This increases the speed of reading, and keeps the reader from being distracted from their mental movie by by the words going through their mind. If done well, the reader doesn't even notice the words, only the movie playing in their minds.
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:iconlovelynice:
Lovelynice Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012
Actually, the eye sees the entire image. That's real biology. Facial recognition, shape recognition, Chinese characters, these are examples of the eye and brain operating non-linear. When humans design robots that function in linear processing for optical recognition, they're slow. Very slow. Parallel processing is faster. If humans operated entirely with linear processing, they'd be even slower since the neuron to neuron signal transfer is only a tiny fraction of what electronics are capable of. Linear limitations of processing in the brain can narrow things down to a single word at a time, but "meaning" can't really be comprehended that way and isn't. People always have to put the total together, and usually do so without realising it. The brain is always massively parallel in processing, which is why mathematical savants can still equal computers. The female brain structure is even more so, with the corpus collosum about 3 times thicker than that in a male brain; supposedly this allows more multi-tasking between the right and left hemispheres.

Besides all of this, there are incidents which would need to be described that are occuring simultaneously. Humans are usually quite able to understand this. Most people will pause to comprehend a sentence regardless of the order of events simply to confirm that those were the actual order of events that they're supposed to comprehend - and there are events which we're quite aware of that occur simultaneously. "as" is useful for those. It can also have other uses. I never tie myself down with pedantic interpretations from academics anyway, I wouldn't advise others to do so either. Some people get annoyed with "and" too; it's just personal silliness to me. A word is a word. Making a big deal about irritation with a particular word is just as silly to me as people who dislike a flavour and claim everyone else should abandon the use of that flavour. Best not to be stuck in a rut.
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Professional Writer
Most people will pause to comprehend a sentence regardless of the order of events simply to confirm that those were the actual order of events that they're supposed to comprehend...
Only if they were confused by what they read the first time they read it.

...there are events which we're quite aware of that occur simultaneously. "as" is useful for those.
We are definitely Not going to come to any sort of agreement on that word. :)

I never tie myself down with pedantic interpretations from academics anyway, I wouldn't advise others to do so either. Some people get annoyed with "and" too; it's just personal silliness to me. A word is a word. Making a big deal about irritation with a particular word is just as silly to me as people who dislike a flavour and claim everyone else should abandon the use of that flavour. Best not to be stuck in a rut.

ROFLMAO! I'd love to see you try using that explanation on a publishing editor. The results should be priceless. :)



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:iconlovelynice:
Lovelynice Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2012
I have actually. They agreed with me. Is that particularly priceless?
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Professional Writer
My editors would skin me alive if they caught me using 'as' and writing my sentences backwards, but then I have extremely ruthless editors.

Just so you know, I write for:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kensington Books
Loose Id
Mojo Castle Press
Extasy books.
Reply
:iconsevslover6195:
Sevslover6195 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Forgive my idiocy but would a sentence like this: "Enigma-37 clenched her teeth as the adamantium knife sliced into her skin." count under your 'as' rule?
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Professional Writer
Yes, that 'as' should Not be used there.

I would have written it this way:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the adamantium knife sliced into her skin, Enigma-37 clenched her teeth.
Reply
:iconsevslover6195:
Sevslover6195 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Glad I could help.
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Another question. What do you do with a sentence like "She felt the creature stir beneath her feet." Is the action hers because she felt it, or is the action the creature's because it did the stirring? (Does it need to be reworded to something like "Beneath the floorboards, the creature stirred," to place it solidly with the creature instead of the girl?)
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Professional Writer
This is TELLING:
-- "She felt the creature stir beneath her feet."

You need to SHOW it by describing what she felt In Detail, THEN have her realize that it's a creature.

This is Head-hopping:
-- "Beneath the floorboards, the creature stirred."
The way it's written, it doesn't read from her POV, it reads from the Creature's POV.
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm a little iffy on the show vs. tell fandango. I think some telling is not only acceptable but necessary.

Besides, in this case I'm not quite sure what I can do about the "telling," especially because the reader already knows it's a creature anyway because of previous showing.
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Professional Writer
If you have already shown it in detail, you can be much skimpier on the description, but outright 'telling' should be left to the Characters --in dialogue or narration-- not the author.
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