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Advanced Writing:
INTERNAL CONFLICT


Note: this is how the professional authors do it. That doesn't mean YOU have to. As with all advice, take what you can use and throw out the rest.

The scene…
~~~~~~~~~~~~
His lips drifted across hers in a warm caress. His hand pressed at waist, the heat of his palm warming her flesh through her corset underlying the deep blood silk gown. His fingers drifted upward, toward her breast.

Desire pulsed within her core, in time with her heart. She wanted to let him tear the red silk from her body, and bury himself in her flesh, but set her palm over his to stop him just below her breast. He was a vampire and she, a mere mortal. The fear in her soul told her to stop, and yet her body begged for his mouth on her flesh. I am overcome, overcome by a desire I know only he can satisfy... He fired her blood more than any other man.

She turned away from his kiss. "Please, I can't."

His gaze narrowed, then he smiled. "Why? Why deny your desire?"

She stepped from his embrace and clasped her hands before her. "Forgive me, but I want to live."

He moved closer, to stand but a breath away. "Are you quite sure?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, I know, it's a bit over the top. Anyway… What we have here is a potentially hot scene brewing with a nice little Internal Conflict, but everything seems a little muddied. What's wrong?

This scene's Internal Conflict is Out of Chronological Sequence!

"What the heck does that mean?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chronological sequence is the order in which things actually happen.

1. Something the size of a fist hits your head.
2. The impact knocks you flat on the ground.
3. You sit up from the ground and shake you head wondering what the heck just happened.
4. PAIN!
5. Wincing, you look around for the cause and find a baseball.
6. Guessing what happened, you go looking for the culprits.

When stories are NOT written in the correct order that events actually happen, the reader gets confused. Make a story too difficult to read and they'll go read someone else.


The Chronological Order of INTERNAL CONFLICT!

1) SHOW the Conflict.
2) Tell WHAT is in Conflict.
3) Tell WHY it's in Conflict.
4) Resolve the Conflict.


1) Show them that there is a Conflict.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Show them, through the ACTIONS & Dialogue of your characters, that there is a conflict happening. This is pure showing – all action.

2) Tell them WHAT is in Conflict.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a statement, TELLING the reader, through internal narration or dialogue, exactly what is battling with what, within the character. Want verses want. Is it their heart verses their body? Their good sense verses their desire? Their career verses their heart's desire? Love for one verses lust for the other?

3) Tell them WHY it's in conflict – what is at stake?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is another statement, internally or through dialogue, telling the reader exactly what is at stake. Pile on the reasons, both pro and con. "I can't do this, because…but I want to, because…"

To make the most tension, state the Con first and then the Pro.

4) Resolve the Conflict

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make an Internal decision, and then have the character ACT on that decision.


Scene OVERHAUL!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


When in doubt of ANY scene – pull it apart, sentence by sentence:

HIS initiating Actions:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• His lips drifted across hers in a warm caress.
• His hand pressed at waist, the heat of his palm warming her flesh through her corset underlying the deep blood silk gown.
• His fingers drifted upward, toward her breast.

HER Reactions:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Desire pulsed within her core, in time with her heart.
• She wanted to let him tear the red silk from her body, and bury himself in her flesh, but set her palm over his to stop him just below her breast.
• He was a vampire and she, a mere mortal.
• The fear in her soul told her to stop, and yet her body begged for his mouth on her flesh.
• I am overcome, overcome by a desire I know only he can satisfy...
• He fired her blood more than any other man.
• She turned away from his kiss. "Please, I can't."

His following Action:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• His gaze narrowed, then he smiled.
• "Why? Why deny your desire?"

Her following Reaction:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• She stepped from his embrace and clasped her hands before her.
• "Forgive me, but I want to live."

His Initiating Action:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• He moved closer, to stand but a breath away.
• "Are you quite sure?"


Actual order of events:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) He kissed her.
2) She reacted, and wanted more.
3) She had reasons to resist. (Internal CONFLICT!)
4) She resisted.
5) He sought to reestablish contact.
6) She resisted.
7) Closing


1) He kissed her.
(The sentences that belong to this event:)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• He kissed her.
• His lips drifted across hers in a warm caress.
• His hand pressed at waist, the heat of his palm warming her flesh through her corset underlying the deep blood silk gown.
• His fingers drifted upward, toward her breast.

In proper Sequence:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His lips drifted across hers in a warm caress. His hand pressed at waist, the heat of his palm warming her flesh through her corset underlying the deep blood silk gown. His fingers drifted upward, toward her breast.


2) She reacted, and wanted more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Desire pulsed within her core, in time with her heart.
• I am overcome, overcome by a desire I know only he can satisfy...
• He fired her blood more than any other man.

In proper Sequence:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Desire pulsed within her core, in time with her heart. He fired her blood more than any other man. I am overcome, overcome by a desire I know only he can satisfy...


3) She had reasons to resist ~ CONFLICT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• She wanted to let him tear the red silk from her body, and bury himself in her flesh, but set her palm over his to stop him just below her breast.
• He was a vampire and she, a mere mortal.
• The fear in her soul told her to stop, and yet her body begged for his mouth on her flesh.

1) SHOW the Conflict.
2) Tell WHAT is in Conflict.
3) Tell WHY it's in Conflict.
4) Resolve the Conflict.

1) SHOW the Conflict.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She wanted to let him tear the red silk from her body, and bury himself in her flesh, but set her palm over his to stop him just below her breast.

2) Tell WHAT is in Conflict?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her body begged for his mouth on her flesh, and yet, the fear in her soul told her to stop.

3) Tell WHY it's in conflict. What is at stake?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was a vampire and she, a mere mortal.

4) Resolve the conflict.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Oh, no! There's nothing to put here! So, add something, right here to state her decision.)

Yes, she wanted him, but death was simply to high a price to pay for his embrace.

In proper Sequence:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her body begged for his mouth on her flesh, and yet, the fear in her soul told her to stop. She wanted to let him tear the red silk from her body, and bury himself in her flesh, but set her palm over his to stop him just below her breast. He was a vampire and she, a mere mortal. Yes, she wanted him, but death was simply to high a price to pay.

4) She resisted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She turned away from his kiss. "Please, no."

5) He sought to reestablish contact.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His gaze narrowed, then he smiled. "Why? Why deny your desire?"

6) She resisted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She stepped from his embrace and clasped her hands before her. "Forgive me, but I want to live."

7) Closing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He moved closer, to stand but a breath away. "Are you quite sure?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't forget! -- No matter what, both Internalization and Dialogue happens AFTER Physical Reactions. ACTION always precedes COMMENT. The body reacts faster than thoughts or comments. Ask any martial artist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ADJUSTED into Proper Sequence:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His lips drifted across hers in a warm caress. His hand pressed at waist, the heat of his palm warming her flesh through her corset underlying the deep blood silk gown. His fingers drifted upward, toward her breast.

Desire pulsed within her core, in time with her heart. He fired her blood more than any other man. I am overcome, overcome by a desire I know only he can satisfy... Her body begged for his mouth on her flesh, and yet, the fear in her soul told her to stop. She wanted to let him tear the red silk from her body, and bury himself in her flesh, but set her palm over his to stop him just below her breast. He was a vampire and she, a mere mortal. Yes, she wanted him, but death was simply to high a price to pay. She turned away from his kiss. "Please, no."

His gaze narrowed, then he smiled. "Why? Why deny your desire?"

She stepped from his embrace and clasped her hands before her. "Forgive me, but I want to live."

He moved closer, to stand but a breath away. "Are you quite sure?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Conclusion:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Violating chronological order is a Very Bad idea, even in something as simple as an argument.

If the actions are out of order, the reader's Mental Movie STOPS because you just confused your reader. This means that the reader has to Re-Read that sequence until they can figure out what the heck just happened in order to get their mental movie playing again.

Making the story hard for the reader to PICTURE -- is a VERY Bad Idea. Anytime the reader has to STOP to rearrange the words to FIT their mental movie, you've made a break. Breaks are BAD – very, very bad! A break creates a moment where the reader can STOP READING your story, and start reading something else -- and possibly never look at you again.

Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: As a multi-published author, I have been taught some fairly rigid rules on what is publishable and what is not. If my rather straight-laced (and occasionally snotty,) advice does not suit your creative style, by all means, IGNORE IT.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ookami Kasumi [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconasjjohnson:
AsjJohnson Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

In the original paragraph, couldn't it be interpreted as her thinking she needs to stop, but then almost giving in anyhow, and then quickly putting a stop to it before she can completely give in? Like a back and forth kind of thing? "I love it, but sadly, this can't happen. But it feels so nice and... No! I can't!" ...It might not be the clearest thing still. But I could see myself trying to write a character going back and forth with a decision (which would be chronological order the way I would picture it happening). Should I avoid mental conversations like that, and only write characters going straight to their decisions? Or is it just a matter of clarity, and I just need to make sure the wavering is written correctly, so it won't be missing pieces and sound out of order?

I'm kind of confused about why you ended up with the paragraph you ended up with. I guess it's just me. Maybe I'm not thinking about it in the right way. So... I'm going to kind of think out loud about it.
You say proper chronological order is 1. Show, 2. What, 3. Why, and 4. Resolve.
You say that 1. is that she wanted to let him to do stuff, but she stopped him, and that 2. is that she wanted his mouth on her flesh but her soul told her to stop. But, when you wrote out the paragraph correctly, you wrote it as 2. 1. 3. 4. Isn't this contradicting the chronological order you had said?


Comparing the two versions in Word Starter with highlighing, it looks like you have the paragraph arranged like, A. Happy, non-conflict thoughts, B. she wants it but. C. she wants it but. D. why she can't. Okay, that's clear enough. In the tutorial, you referred to A. as "She reacted, and wanted more", while B. and C. are the "What" and "Show" ones, respectively (but they both sound alike to me), and D. is both "Why" and "Resolve" (to me, it looks like telling it, and then telling it again with more detail).

But, I also noticed, when I had compared them line by line, that you had switched the order of two sets of lines from the first version of the paragraph. - And these sets seem to be in the same categories, so it doesn't look like it has anything to do with which parts of the paragraph come first.
First: "I am overcome, overcome by a desire I know only he can satisfy... He fired her blood more than any other man." became "He fired her blood more than any other man. I am overcome, overcome by a desire I know only he can satisfy..."
Second: "She wanted to let him . . . but set her palm over his to stop him. . . . The fear in her soul told her to stop, and yet her body begged for his mouth on her flesh." vs "Her body begged for his mouth on her flesh, and yet, the fear in her soul told her to stop. She wanted to let him . . . but set her palm over his to stop him. . . ."
Third: (this is a reordering of two pieces of the same line) "The fear in her soul told her to stop, and yet her body begged for his mouth on her flesh." vs "Her body begged for his mouth on her flesh, and yet, the fear in her soul told her to stop."
The second switch is the Show/What and What/Show thing I had already mentioned. For the first and third switches, it looks like you just switch them without actively mentioning why.

I'm going to attempt to explain the switches by it having to do with what you said about Internalization and Dialogue happening after Physical Reactions. So... first, he fires her blood, and then she thinks about desiring him? (but if you hadn't switched it, I could've said that she was overcome by her desire, and then she thought about him firing up her blood more than other men, so I don't think I get it). She first... uh... she felt the urge to stop, and then put her palm over his...? But that puts her action after her thoughts, which is backwards from your warning. (...but if physical reactions always happen first, then wouldn't she have turned away and said no before thinking about not being able to do this, too? and I'm pretty sure I do think before acting a few times, even though I do act before thinking most often) But for the last switch, I'm thinking you probably reworded that sentence to put the con before the pro- oh wait. No. her body begging for his flesh sounds like a pro, and the fear in her soul sounds like a con. So that doesn't work, either. :/ I'm totally confused by everything. Am I missing something really obvious? Thinking way off on the wrong track? Can you explain those three changes in really simple words for me to understand? T_T This tutorial just seems to go over my head. It looks like a lot of others understand it just fine, though. I guess it might be something about how you worded things that just doesn't click with the way I think. ...and the more I try to figure it out, the more confused I get. I think you might have some good advice, but I just don't quite understand it.

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:iconnightshade43:
nightshade43 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013
Okay, I know this is a guide (and an excellent one at that), but one line made me back away from the keyboard very quickly.

• He was a vampire and she, a mere mortal. 

I know it's necessary for their races/situation to be explained, but to me that approach comes across as extremely cliche. Especially the term "mere mortal". I love the internal conflict, but that phrasing.
I personally love to read between the lines with character reactions but I do like the conflict being hinted at. (And quite a few books could stand to explain things a bit better or before the very last page)
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Professional Writer
Yes, it was a cliche, but it got the point across using only a few words -- and that's what was needed for that essay.
 -- And since you really don't like it, consider it a Challenge: Do It Better.

More of my stories were written simply because I didn't like the way someone else wrote something; because they did it Wrong. (A whole pile of my fan-fictions got written that way. LOL!)
Reply
:iconnightshade43:
nightshade43 Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2014
 And since you really don't like it, consider it a Challenge: Do It Better
Sorry, I'd lose that bet really fast. Sorry if I came across as rude or anything. I meant nothing negative by it.

Lol, yes the fanfiction. I love reading it mainly because the bad ones give me a learning experience, and the good ones make me consider why I've read worse published stories.
I read one ghastly published book that blatantly copied another series! Characters were similar, events were similar, even locations! The only good part of it was a vampire virus spread through a meteor that also spread a flesh rotting virus.
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2014  Professional Writer
Bad Fiction: The #1 Reason why Authors decide to write books.
Reply
:iconnightshade43:
nightshade43 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2014
Amen to that!
Reply
:iconhoneycloudoftheriver:
[It is Not.]
Why do you capitalize stuff like that? Is it for emphasis or do you do it without noticing?

Your tutorials are nice. I didn't find it too snotty, and it's always nice to hear some tips from published authors.

Ramble ramble ramble.
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013  Professional Writer
It's exactly as you said; I capitalize for Emphasis.
 -- It's a copywriting technique to get the reader to Remember what was written.
Reply
:icontwirlybrows:
twirlybrows Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012
Wow this is amazing, thanks so much
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Professional Writer
You're very welcome.
Reply
:iconmorphoadonis:
MorphoAdonis Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Sorry, wanted to get that out of my system before I forgot it.

Now, as for this particular piece... Very helpful, especially because of the subtlety of the problem. As a young aspiring writer, I often find that the tips that are handed out to amateurs are over-simplified and blunt.

This can make one very over-confident if the only problems commonly presented are the obvious ones. As I'm sure you've been told countless countless countless times, the tips you've provided are quite helpful and very much appreciated.
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Professional Writer
I'm glad you like my tips!
-- This particular tip came from a writing exercise I gave my online writing class. They were supposed to write a single paragraph.

However, even though I gave them a "fill in the blank" formula to work from, every last one of them made this same mistake. The breakdown on how to spot it (they didn't even see it!) and how to fix it became this tutorial.
Reply
:iconmorphoadonis:
MorphoAdonis Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
"His hand pressed at waist,"

?

Pardon me if I'm wrong, but is it not "His hands pressed at her waist?" Or am I losing my touch?
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Professional Writer
...is it not "His hands pressed at her waist?"

It is Not. In the image I originally used for this exercise, only one hand was in contact with her waist. Image --> [link]

Reply
:iconmorphoadonis:
MorphoAdonis Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
"His hand pressed at her waist," then?

I was aiming more at the fact that you left out "her" than the plurality or singularity of the noun.
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Professional Writer
That's what's known in the business as a typo, and why authors have Editors.
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:iconmorphoadonis:
MorphoAdonis Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Got it. ;)
Reply
:icondragonkat34:
dragonkat34 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010  Student General Artist
wow, this tutorial, AND alot of the comments on here as well, were really helpful :D :3

I have never before been able to continue one of my own stories past the first few chapters, but i tihinhk the tutorials might help :)
(am going to look at the other ones as well)

i have three stories in my gallery, but only one has been finished...
do you think you might take a quick look at one of them? just curious because i never see any of the errors at first glance, most likely because i write the way i speak :p
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2010  Professional Writer
I'm glad you liked my tutorial!
-- I love being inspiring.

Sorry darlin', I don't critique or beta-read other people's work. I have way too much work of my own to deal with.
Reply
:iconarctic-master:
Arctic-Master Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
*Stares at the Internal conflict as it was Gold*

Holy. F(!)in'... Crap...

I can imagine that some internal conflicts last longer, and this... THIS. Explained it all. .__.;; I simply can't even BEGIN to worship this, as this will save my ass on multiple occasions. Truly- THANK YOU.
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Professional Writer
I'm glad I could be instrumental in the protection if your posterior. *snicker.*

Seriously though, I'm glad this essay is something you were looking for.
Reply
:iconarctic-master:
Arctic-Master Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
O__o; You don't know the half of it...
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Professional Writer
*grin*
Reply
:iconbooksandanimals2000:
booksandanimals2000 Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2010   Writer
It's funny-I knew SOMETHING was wrong in the example, but I couldn't figure out what until you pointed it out.
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010  Professional Writer
Surprise!
-- It's something easily missed, especially when you're writing at speed.
Reply
:iconabsynthememoir:
absynthememoir Featured By Owner May 6, 2010
It's incredible how much difference you can make by simply following those rules.
In the first draft I couldn't even imagine what was happening and had to stop a little to understand. It's a bummer 'cause the reader doesn't actually enjoy the scene because he's too caught in comprehending it.

Awesome tutorial as always. Thank you kindly for sharing! :iconheartglompplz:
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner May 6, 2010  Professional Writer
I'm thrilled I could provide a bit of helpful insight. *grin*
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:iconasha1974:
Asha1974 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010
Incredible tips, and I LOVE the disclamer :lol:
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010  Professional Writer
Thank you!
-- I try not to shove what I've learned down other peoples' throats, but I have more than my share of writing peeves. They tend to leak into my essays.
Reply
:iconasha1974:
Asha1974 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010
You know wat? Its annoying if u write sommink and yr SO proud of it and u show it off and there are fundermental flaws y've missed and someone shows you, it IS annoying,just annoying, the frustration is about you guess some people like to project :lol:

BUT, if your writing sommink, even if yv already written and u get a tip, like the ones youve provided you can go back and look at it and make certain changes and it enhances yr writing, people who get snotty over things like that, aren't ready to be successes i dont think.

I used to be JUST like that, but now ive realised, ive written and rewritten format and reformatted going from script form to story form [is that prose? I got no idea wat prose really means] i think its a focus issue and its a pride thing, c this particular tutoral was REALLY REALLY valuable to me, because sometimes i write a scene and in my head it goes a certain way, but when i write it i get it mixed up, i have the attention span of a ferrit, so sometimes i miss stuff, but wen i reread it, im like 'thats not right' and i cant figure out why, yv shown step by step how to make sure that doesn't happen and thats so valuable to me personally.

I have a very small audience for my story, who enjoy me regaling scenes of the mishcheif my character gets upto and how secondary characters react and they also have the attention span of a gnat so im toying with either REALLY REALLY short scenes or a manga type strip, I'm trying to appeal to an audience who have ADHD and it was always supposed to be in a visual medium, [attention span of ferrit]

Even my short episodes r getting quite long and quite a few of ADHDer's can't or don't read as they dont have the attention span required but I love writing SO much I REALLY LOVE the process of it being in my head and then getting it on page, so ANY tips you have would be absolutely invaluable to me personally,

and the tutorials r great because, as I suffer from it [ADHD] I have an inability to do stuff ALL at once and a writing course would be too overwhelming for me, so learning lil tit bits like that little by little is like a true blessing sent from above! And yr not shoving anything down my or anyones throat, yr giving quiet and very helpful tips, believe me, because I don't take instruction well, in fact if u say do it this way ill do it the other way jus to spite you, coz im stupborn, if people are unappriciative then they are only cutting their noses off to spite their faces!

but ive really applied a lot of what you stated i the last tutorial to my work and actually realised because i wrote in script form i wrote visual but because my characters can feel other peoples emotions i'd actually already applied a lot of that already, but yd be surpised at how much id still missed, that helped becoz sometimes i read somethink and i really think of how to explain everything in words, but still miss it, that tutorial shows me how to not miss it, if someone can not take constructive critism[me once] they got a lot to learn, so for want of a better phrase fuk 'em coz yr tips are invaluable to me and i for one can not Be the only one!

I have had v little input from anyone regarding my writing so I REALLY need u to keep doing these and i know ive gone on a lot on here, but if u cud ever jus scan over an episode of my story and give me an honest, critique I would prolly do cartwheels ;) So keep up with the good work because u r in yrself creatin LOADS of decent authors around the world and stuff the snotty eejit's that cant see it! :love: :heart: :hug: :heart: :kiss: :heart: :love: :heart:
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010  Professional Writer
Wow! What a letter!
-- Thank you--sincerely. I am so glad I was able to show you something you could use.

I thought you might like to know, I have a mild case of ADHD myself. (Attention span of a 12-year old.) I'm betting that this is why I write my tutorials the way I do--specifically to hold the reader's attention.

As for Prose...
-- I have no clue what that's supposed to be. I think it's a college term. Unfortunately, I never went to college. I DO know what stories and poetry are. That's good enough for me. *grin*

I thought you might like to know, having an ADHD audience doesn't mean you have to keep the scenes Short. It means you have to keep them Interesting. I recommend lots of Visual scenes that have lots of action, cool scenery, and lots of snotty dialogue.

Also, Don't change POV characters! Stay in your main character's head. If you switch to another POV (point of view) character, you'll confuse your audience or worse, they'll get attached to someone the story Isn't about.

A critique...?
-- Sweety, you're not ready for a critique by me. I Have looked at your work and you still have a lot to learn before someone like me takes a Really hard look at your work. I would Not be of help to you at this stage. I would only hurt the progress you ARE making.

Things I spotted in one glance:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Run-On Sentences.
-- Read your work out loud. If you have to take a breath, it's Too Long. Put a period or a comma where you have to take a breath.

Present Tense.
-- Stories in English are written in Past Tense. Dialogue--talking--is the only thing in a story that IS written in present tense.

Present tense: He was eating the apple.
Past Tense: He ate the apple.

Paragraphs divided in wrong place.
- Go here: Writing DIALOGUE ~ The Secret to proper Paragraphing Read that. This is one of the most difficult writing techniques to apply (because it often means massive rewrites.) However, once you get used to it, you'll discover that not only does it make your stories clearer; it's actually easier to write this way.

Overview...
-- It looks very much like English is not your first language. If this is so, then you have taken on one hell of a challenge. English is the hardest language in the world to Write properly. Seriously. Even worse, the common grammar books won't help you. They Don't cover fiction-writing, only reports, essays, and journalism--news writing.

What I suggest...
-- Don't bother trying to learn English phrases from newspapers or magazines. That's not how stories are written. Go to the library, get some kids' story books, and look at the way THEY are written. The words are simpler, but that makes the way they are written Much easier to figure out.

I'm really happy my tutorials work for you, keep up the good work!
Reply
:iconasha1974:
Asha1974 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010
er English is certainly my first language, I was born and brought up in south London and so thats a puzzling but funny comment. Mind you people in South London do have a weird dialect so maybe that's it (???) I actually talk like the two main characters talk, although the others would differ I would hope, but they are intrinsically south London characters, even Phoenix's partner David is. MI6 sits on the bank of vauxhall bridge and is itself in south London.

...not writing from other POV, now that is the most helpful comment I have ever had, I'm not sure whether to write it from Phoenix's point of view as his frustration builds or Asha's, I think I'll stick with Asha actually as she is the main character, fantastic point, I'll get to work on rewrites with that in mind,

and yr so right about my punctuation ALWA\YS had huge P's throughout my work at school and I think i may have to get someone else to read aloud to know when to take a breath as i write as I talk i. e. i do actually put a commar where i breath :lol: I'll watch out for that :lol: sorry but ROFLMAO! That is going to possably be the hardest thing!

I shall read up on paragraphs, I was never taught about them in English at school but always presumed it was a change of subject that caused them or end of a particularily long sentence :P

and thank you for yr response its the most helpful input i have had concerning this story in over 10 years :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
Reply
:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010  Professional Writer
er English is certainly my first language ... Mind you people in South London do have a weird dialect so maybe that's it?

Wow! That's one heck of a dialect! My assumption came from the fact that I have a friend who currently lives in Russia. Her English writing is Very similar to yours. *grin*

...i do actually put a comma where i breath.

Okay, then look at your "and's". Unless you're making a list (apples and oranges,) pull out the "and's" and put in a Period. (That was a trick my first editor taught me because I had the same problem--run-on sentences.)

I shall read up on paragraphs, I was never taught about them in English at school...

No One was. It's not in any book anywhere. School teaches us Report and Essay writing--not Story writing because School is for getting us ready for Business--not the arts. I learned it from my publishing editors.

I'm so glad I could help!
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:iconasha1974:
Asha1974 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010
you have a restored my confidence I can get this story out to people, funny thing is doing it from her point of view is the easiest option as she is the charater i can most relate to [ althou i dnt enjoy killing, am not psychotic, have never been tortured + ive DEFF never killed anyone remorselessly] but I do like to make people feel uncomfortable and I kind of thrive in chaos, I don't like people and i relate to her feeling like a freak, getting it wrong all the time and misinterpreting peoples re/actions. She was actually based on my son, the character i identified with first was phoenix, his patience and love are what plant the seeds of change in her, how hard it is to be patient and not beat their brains in but u love them and so u jus have to, theyre so funny and the mistakes they make are often not purposeful, that was what was important to show, that extreme punishment inflicted on her by her father actually made her worse but after she met him, his love changed that for her, it was important for me to show that abuse makes their self esteem plummet and often make their behaviour worse, but when someone believes in them it produces within them a pride and makes their confidence soar in turn they start to beliee in themselves and affect change. Then I was diagnosed with the same condition and my perspective shifted somewhat.

I like her wickedness and her twisted viewpoint, she's funny in a totally inapropriate way, that appeals to me also, bbut its how she had to compartmentalise certain emotion to do the wicked things she learns she did, she has done it so long she does it out of habit, she cant help it. The psychology of characters really interests me a great deal too, and concentrating on one psychology is going to be SO much easier ;). I enjoy that she can do things I can't, but her emotions are what really appeal to me and i think i can really make her interesting, she was supposed to be a villain, but she can't even do that right, that conflict makes her easy to write for, yr tutorials R gold dust mate, honest to god!!! :love:
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010  Professional Writer
I agree with keeping your main character the POV character, especially since you connect so strongly--yet not so completely that she's become a Mary Sue.

Good luck on your future work! I'm sure with the small bit of coaching I've passed to you, and your determination, your readers will notice the difference right away.
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(1 Reply)
:iconwtfgirl:
WTFgirl Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful advice, though I did notice a teeny tiny error. After the bold 'What does that Mean' and after the bullets it says (and I copy pasta) "Make a story too difficult to read and they'll go read someone else."
I love reading people but don't think that's what you meant.


By the way you are an awesome goddess compared to my prowess.
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2010  Professional Writer
"Make a story too difficult to read and they'll go read someone else."

I'm not sure where the confusion is. Could you rewrite the line and show me?

I'm glad you liked the rest of it!
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:iconwtfgirl:
WTFgirl Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
"Make a story too difficult to read and they'll go read someTHING else."

Is what I thought you were going for. But I'm up to reading people.
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010  Professional Writer
Ahh... *grin* I understand your confusion, but it wasn't an error.

I wasn't referring to someThing, as in One Story. I seriously meant someOne, as in that Writer.

Writers are judged by their stories, so if a single story is tough to understand, it is ASSUMED that ALL the other stories they've written will be the same way. So it's not One story they'll avoid but ALL of the stories by that someOne.

See?
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:iconwtfgirl:
WTFgirl Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Ah now I understand.
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010  Professional Writer
It's my own fault for using short-hand cues instead of writing it all out. I am very Literal, as in I mean exactly what I say and write, so I tend to assume people will catch on to what I mean just from the way I state it.
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:iconsillysnowfox:
SillySnowFox Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2010
The level of attention to detail in these is simply amazing. I don't think anyone can read any of these and not come out the other side a better writer.

Thank you for sharing them with us. (Granted, this community probably needs the advice the most ;) )
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2010  Professional Writer
Thank you!
-- High praise indeed.
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:iconearthpineapple:
earthpineapple Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2010
i admire you for this <3
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2010  Professional Writer
Oh? It's just a tutorial like all my others?
-- Anyway, I'm glad you liked it.
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:iconearthpineapple:
earthpineapple Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2010
i know but you write tutorials in every single detail. it's awesome. this'll help me alot :)
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:iconookamikasumi:
OokamiKasumi Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2010  Professional Writer
Well, if I don't detail what I mean, how are people supposed to understand it?

Of course that doesn't stop anyone from writing length articles that don't actually show you how to do anything.

I'm glad you like them.
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:iconearthpineapple:
earthpineapple Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010
haha, true.
your welcome. :D
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